And That Will Have To Be Enough
I met Adrianna a little over twenty years ago. I was going to college with her husband, Scott. Scott and I became friends and as a result Adrianna and I became friends as well. During that time, I was at a really low point in my life and I believe that Adrianna picked up on this. I remember spending hours talking into the early morning hours about life, my problems, music and well… just about everything. At first it was a little forced, but Adrianna had a way of not taking ‘no’ for an answer. She would sit me down, sensing I was troubled and force me to talk in the most subtle of ways; it was almost as though I would want to tell her anything that was weighing heavily on me. Adrianna knew me more intimately than any person has ever known me. I shared with her things, in those impromptu talk sessions, that I have never said to another soul. I don’t know why. Perhaps it was the alcohol or the lack of sleep or being caught up in the moment of the early morning hours. Either way, our paths crossed at that moment in our lives and we shared that connection.
Years had passed, my life’s path took a turn and we fell out of touch for about 10 years. I had heard from Scott and Adrianna off and on. We would plan to meet, but it would always fall through. Last August, Scott sent me a message telling me that Adrianna had gotten cancer. By December, Adrianna had died. I didn’t let on to those currently in my life as to how devastated I was over it. I can’t exactly describe my rationale as to why I chose to keep it a secret from those closest to me now. Honestly, writing this paragraph just makes me feeling like weeping, but I can’t. Maybe later. I miss her too much and the guilt of walking out of their lives all those years ago is rotting me from the inside faced with the fact that I will never see her again.
Anyway, this coming weekend, Scott has asked me to attend Adrianna’s life celebration party. She would have loved the idea of a party rather than a wake and a funeral. I like the idea too and I think, for myself, I need to go to a specific place that is connected to her to say goodbye. Maybe then I will be able to let go and grieve. But for now, I will just write about it and that will have to be enough.
